EXAMPLES

How Not To Cook

1 Never boil an avocado.

2 Never stop stirring a risotto, no matter how boring it gets, or it will not get creamy. Waiting time can only be cut out on TV shows, not in real life.

3 Do not microwave one leaf of kale on "high" for five minutes in order to experiment. It will catch fire, break the microwave glass rotating plate, scorch the inside of the microwave permanently and fill the kitchen with smoke.

4 If holding a squid's eyes firmly while you cut off the tentacles just beneath disgusts you, you can hold onto the tentacles instead while you cut off the head, but since they are very slippery, the chance to cut your fingers increases radically.

5 When popcorn stuffing a turkey, do not assume unpopped popcorn kernels will just pop inside the turkey, they won't, and your Thanksgiving guests will break their teeth. Use popped popcorn if you must.

6 When you have totally lost control over a dish, don't keep adding ingredients to cover up your mistake. Take a pause and then start over calm. If there are no more ingredients to use, order in.

How Not To Festivals

1 Don't bring to many outfits. Nobody cares about what you look like and you will only want to be wearing your one pair of thermal leggings while camping for 4 cold and rainy days anyway.

2 If you are uncomfortable being naked in the unisex sauna, it is OK to wear a swimsuit but not OK to stare at others genitals.

3 Don't take the mini golf challenge too seriously. By the time you get to it, it will already have been wrecked. Make creative decisions of how to cheat effectively instead so to keep the game going.

4 Don't discuss politics with the guy who runs the Zapatista cafe. He is only selling the coffee.

5 Do not make any over political statements with your costume. Festivals are about escapism and subtle irony, not overt propaganda. Do not go as a beaten up housewife for example. Dress up in a white silk and lace wedding dress with a long train that gets all covered with mud instead.

6 Don't go to the toilets when you feel you need to go to the toilet. The queue is always 1/2h long, so go before.

How Not To Fire or Pole Dance

1 Do not try avoid getting hurt. You will hit yourself in the head at some point. Same with pole dancing which obviously hurts a lot, but don't let that get you down. You will have friction burns, hair ripped out of your leg, muscles torn, bruises behind the back of your knees, while still smiling making it look sexy.

2 If you happen to be in Morocco and can not find any paraffin, someone might tell you "Here in Morocco we use white spirit." White spirit lights very quickly. You will dunk your poi in a bucket, walk away to lit it and leave a trail of fire behind you which will start an even bigger fire that will reach and explode your car. Do not use white spirits.

3 When trying to learn Fire Dancing from Youtube movies, do not assume the video explains it all. Only a good teacher will explain to you how a movement originates, what is happening in the legs when you move your hand.

4 Do not fall in love with your dance partner, cause if you break up it's agonizing torture. It's less fun staying professional, but you should.

5 When you are the youngest in the group, don't be scared, just throw yourself into it.

6 Don't give out any information about the show while practicing.